[NetBehaviour] My Sixty-Five Failures

Ivan Pope ivan2 at ivanpope.com
Mon Aug 1 11:58:58 CEST 2005


Alan,
I know how you feel. I feel the same.
You have two nineteenth failures, making in fact sixty-six failures.
Maybe you could add one:
Failure to keep an accurate count of my failures
;-)
Of course, as you know, all these failures are actually your strengths - 
not that that generally makes it better.
Cheers,
Ivan

Alan Sondheim wrote:

>
>
>
> My Sixty-Five Failures
>
>
> I dread this.
>
> My first failure is an inability to sleep through the night, no matter
> what; insomnia and nightmares occur constantly.
>
> My second failure is a failure to relax, to take time out and enjoy
> things, to not see the world through pessimistic eyes.
>
> My third failure is never to feel at home, anywhere, to remain nomadic no
> matter what, to be unable to inhabit a place.
>
> My fourth failure is an inability to make money, to have a stable income,
> to stop this constant scrambling after decades of making-do.
>
> My fifth failure is my real lack of university affiliation, to play the
> penniless scholar for the rest of my life.
>
> My sixth failure is not to be accepted as a serious scholar, however that
> be defined.
>
> My seventh failure is a lack of books of mine and others bringing 
> together
> the theoretical work I do, as if my career is based on diary, anecdote,
> hypersexuality, obsessiveness, neurosis.
>
> My eighth failure is an inability to feel at home on the net, to have my
> processes accepted as somehow fit.
>
> My ninth failure is the lack of a conference circuit due to poverty, 
> which
> tends towards a lack of face-to-face meetings.
>
> My tenth failure is an inability to program well, and to remain in one
> mental space long enough to learn a language, both natural and computer.
>
> My eleventh failure has been a miserable personal life in the past, and a
> real difficulty in seeing the external existence of others outside my
> narcissistic circuitry.
>
> My twelfth failure is a lack of high mathematical skills.
>
> My thirteenth failure is an inability to produce anything beyond dribble-
> works, small fragments in lieu of the masterpiece which would temporarily
> ensure my place in the cultural cosmos.
>
> My fourteenth failure is a lack of critical attention given to my work,
> which appears increasingly to exist in a vacuum of my own making.
>
> My fifteenth failure is to slow down, to stop producing an obscene
> quantity of materials, largely of interest to myself.
>
> My sixteenth failure is that of controlling my sexual desires which tend
> towards annihilations and collapse, towards exhibitionism and uneasy
> dreams.
>
> My seventeenth failure is that of lowering my stress so that constant
> anxiety won't kill me at a relatively young age.
>
> My eighteenth failure is a lack of a PhD. or other intellectual
> legitimation which might have gone a long way towards stability.
>
> My nineteenth failure is that of devouring others, as if they were on the
> planet only for my benefit.
>
> My nineteenth failure is an inability to relieve the almost constant
> depression that accompanies me everywhere, and is itself accompanied by
> weight gain, nervousness, occasional crying jags, anxiety attacks.
>
> My twentieth failure is to develop musical skills to the extent of 
> reading
> music and playing compositions with others.
>
> My twenty-first failure is not responding to others demands at a
> sufficiently fast rate.
>
> My twenty-second failure is an inability to get beyond recognizing myself
> as a fraud, and understand that perhaps I am not.
>
> My twenty-third failure is constantly being unable to exist independently
> of my family and their concerns, and to stand up to them in a reasonable
> manner.
>
> My twenty-fourth failure is to have a satisfactory appearance, at 
> least to
> the extent of being able to look into a mirror.
>
> My twenty-fifth failure is an inability to face the current political
> crisis without suffering an emotional collapse.
>
> My twenty-sixth failure is putting my partner through one terrible
> depressive situation after another.
>
> My twenty-seventh failure is not being able to take more time out with my
> partner, working more around the house, even cooking for myself on a
> regular basis.
>
> My twenty-eighth failure is being unable to cope with my Judaism and 
> being
> far too paranoid about anti-semitism.
>
> My twenty-ninth failure is not being a mathematician or physicist.
>
> My thirtieth failure is not exercising enough, and not being good at any
> sport.
>
> My thirty-first failure is feeling uncomfortable around people and crowds
> and being unable to enjoy myself at a party.
>
> My thirty-second failure is being far too loud and defensive, talking far
> too much about sexuality, and not taking my own work seriously in public.
>
> My thirty-third failure is being unable to deal with authority, and to
> exercise authority, without appearing overly neurotic or belligerent.
>
> My thirty-fourth failure is being unable to avoid getting angry in
> situations where I should be more laid back.
>
> My thirty-fifth failure is to avoid thinking about death, which is
> constantly on my mind, and to avoid a constant fear of death as well.
>
> My thirty-sixth failure is an intolerance of organized religion.
>
> My thirty-seventh failure is the inability to feel anything but regret in
> relation to the life I have led.
>
> My thirty-eighth failure is an inability to see a way out of the trap I
> have set for myself as a failure.
>
> My thirty-ninth failure is an inability to leave things well enough 
> alone.
>
> My fortieth failure is to stop being a nuisance in situations where I am
> ill at ease.
>
> My forty-first failure is not to have had the funding to go to China and
> Japan for a reasonable period of time.
>
> My forty-second failure is somewhat of an inability to express my love.
>
> My forty-third failure is an inability to stop crying, literally, when
> confronted by a wounded bird, or insect, or mammal.
>
> My forty-fourth failure is a deep-rooted inability to love humanity.
>
> My forty-fifth failure is to stop thinking about money all the time, and
> accept my situation in life.
>
> My forty-sixth failure is to stop attacking myself and secretly agreeing
> with others when they attack as well.
>
> My forty-seventh failure is to find my successes almost non-existent, and
> recognize them only through muted consciousness.
>
> My forty-eighth failure is a lack of grounding in traditional philosophy,
> for example reading the longer canonic texts all the way through.
>
> My forty-ninth failure is dropping names as a means of justification.
>
> My fiftieth failure is a feeling I've accomplished nothing of substance
> that has made my poverty and dependencies at least equitable.
>
> My fifty-first failure is an inability to feel comfortable around 
> drugs or
> alcohol.
>
> My fifty-second failure is not having been able to perform well enough on
> stage, as to occasion a career.
>
> My fifty-third failure is not being accepted by either the net art world
> or the art world, or for that matter, the worlds of poetry, film, video,
> soundwork, theory, experimental writing, and performance.
>
> My fifty-fourth failure is an inability to stop whining.
>
> My fifty-fifth failure is an inability to be classified or accepted as an
> 'artist' in any category.
>
> My fifty-sixth failure is an inability to slow up and work on my failures
> and regrets through self-administered therapy.
>
> My fifty-seventh failure is a complete suspicion of authority and an
> inability to give myself over to a therapist, guru, or other mentor.
>
> My fifty-eighth failure is poor health, poor hearing, poor eyesight, and
> thus always feeling at a distance with others.
>
> My fifty-ninth failure is an inability to thereby feel comfortable at the
> beach or poolside, or any other situation where my body appears.
>
> My sixtieth failure is not having hiked across the country, not having
> mountain-climbed, not really having lost the fear of the dark.
>
> My sixty-first failure is not having real savings, and not being able to
> provide well enough for my partner.
>
> My sixty-second failure is being far too ambitious and unable ever to
> satisfy myself.
>
> My sixty-third failure is being unable to sleep if I have not worked at
> least some, every day of my life.
>
> My sixty-fourth failure is always having to keep what I see as my
> addictive personality, under control.
>
> My sixty-fifth failure is an inability on every level to stop the self-
> hatred from overwhelming me.
>
> My sixty-sixth failure is the lack of a book of mine which would explain
> 'everything,' and bring both theoretical and personal coherence to my
> life.
>
>
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