[NetBehaviour] re: nettime emitten :er (fwd)

[Alan Sondheim]

If someone might know what's going on from here? - Alan



---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Wed, 11 Oct 2006 01:37:33 -0400 (EDT)
From: Alan Sondheim <sondheim at panix.com>
To: syndicate at anart.no
Subject: re: nettime emitten :er



Ok, I need help. From the outside, nettime has seemed erratic for the past two 
days. Here's my part in it, as well as the symptoms. Will someone please tell 
me / us what's going on? And apologies up front for my ignor- ance.

Within the past few days I felt unjustly attacked on the list. Never mind if it 
was or wasn't unjust. In any case the replies and discussion quickly broke 
down. Some of this is in the archives.

I began to feel that I couldn't take much of this; I was feeling self-des- 
tructive, contempating getting rid of my webpage files etc. etc. "so as not to 
offend anyone." So I thought I would leave the list, and sent a notice saying 
the same (to the list) and then unsubbed.

I then received a letter from Ted asking if I was sure I wanted to do this. I 
wrote back and said I wasn't sure - which is the truth, since I love the list. 
I asked him to resub me. I was far too much of a mess to do it myself.

Ok, then I looked in the archives for the next twelve hours or so and found 
nothing of my goodbye post or of anything else. My replies had been getting 
more and more neurotic and confused, but this seemed strange. So I thought, 
well if I unsubbed, of course if the moderators forward my unsub note it 
wouldn't go through since I was no longer a member. I then wrote Sandy Baldwin, 
just asking him to forward the note if it didn't go through (he had written a 
post mostly in defense of me, more of this in a moment).

Anyway, then either late last night or early this morning or yesterday - I 
haven't been sleeping - I received a digest of all the subsequent posts - the 
ones I hadn't seen in the archive and including my goodbye post. Strangely 
enough, I don't recall having seen Sandy's post at that point, but I thought no 
more of it.

Having deleted that particular digest - which had about ten posts in it, all 
except mine as far as I remember being rather negative about me - I wanted to 
look something up in it, so I went back to the archive. Well neither the digest 
nor any of the individual posts that were in the digest, were in the archive. 
Strange thought I, well this must be a delay of sorts. In any case, I checked 
throughout the day, and there was nothing at all.

I should mention that at one point I did resub, but after seeing the goodbye 
post in the digest, as well as the vituperation in my direction, I unsubbed a 
second time - I didn't want to continue to take abuse - I couldn't - it was by 
this point sending me into a spiralling depression.

So now I'm unsubbed after receiving what could be called the "ghost digest" 
which never appeared in the archive. I wrote Sandy Baldwin, who is also on 
nettime re: above, and asked what he had received. For most of the day, he had 
received nothing. Then he received a digest with two posts in it, about gender 
studies, not aimed at me. He never received the long digest I had, which was 
also strange. So I went back to the archives - which are in black and red, 
somewhat anarchic somewhat oldschool marxist - and the short digest, which he 
had received, wasn't there either.

This is where it stands:

I receive long digest. Not in archives. Do not remember Sandy letter.
Sandy receives short digest. Not in archives. No Sandy letter.

I am not subbed as there doesn't seem to have been any mail since. Florian 
Cramer has the final post - we had corresponded over the mess - but I'm not 
sure when that was actually sent out.

As I've said, I love nettime and have been a member for years and years. I was 
even in Readme, which I'm proud of, to the extent I feel I've contrib- uted 
there. I don't want to feel I've created a mess for the list or the moderators 
- perhaps I have. I didn't know how to stop what seemed like an onslaught - 
perhaps I should have withdrawn earlier. (I felt I was being called a sexist 
and Orientalist, and for better or worse I've actively fought against these 
positions at any number of places. That doesn't mean the terms don't apply to 
me - only that their application hurts, and - to me - seems way misdirected.)

So I want to apologize to the moderators within the absenting archives, but am 
asking here for forwards or for any information in regard to (or regards to) 
what is occurring or has occurred on nettime. Sometime I hope to return to the 
list, but I'm frightened at this point to actively par- ticipate in it, before 
another attack occurs and the whole thing repeats.

Any information greatly greatly appreciated.

- Alan