[NetBehaviour] my failures XXXin jwm-art.netXXX on the internet

james morris james at jwm-art.net
Fri Mar 20 14:48:08 CET 2009

my failures XXXin jwm-art.netXXX on the internet
spending too much time in jwm-art.net
designing too many things in jwm-art.net
in a single website in jwm-art.net
XXXchanging too many things too oftenXXX
writing all my own code
re-inventing the wheel
documenting with too many photographs XXXand videosXXX
documenting code with not enough comments or too many
wrong comments
with too many texts and audio files
hiding out too much of the time in my XXXinstallationXXX website
spending too much time believing the lists i'm a member of are all
i need to bring what is of interest on the internet to me
writing over and over again about myself, jwm-art.net
forgetting jwm-art.net is a tiny little world, and i've no significance
forgetting there's more to life than linux
not applying for grants and exhibitions or jobs in the real world
not looking after myself in jwm-art.net
thinking too much inside the box
hoping uselessly for grants and commissions and philanthropists to
support my habit
but never applying for any
kludging and never learning XXXscripting languageXXX mysql
XXXnever entering jwm-art.net in my dreamsXXX
pretending that jwm-art.net has some XXXontologicalXXX status
XXXthinking i'll never die in jwm-art.netXXX
never finding real XXXpublicationXXX recognition for the jwm-art.net
XXXtextsXXX work
never getting past XXXmoderatedXXX email lists or the occasional forum
with my jwm-art.net texts
being a useless speller and having limited vocabularly
never really getting audience or XXXreadershipXXX a user base
never really having extended dialog about anything XXXthe virtualXXX
misrecognizing my XXXjwm-art.net workXXX software as having
XXXphilosophicalXXX artistic implications
thinking my jwm-art.net work somehow extends the nature my mind XXXthe
feeling too hopeless XXXand too close to death even when inXXX about
myself XXXjwm-art.netXXX
and never releasing jwm-art.net into XXXfirstXXX life and never calming
hoping uselessly that my jwm-art.net work will exist
at least for a short time after i have no bank balance XXXno longer work
in jwm-art.netXXX
and hoping uselessly as well that my work will continue
and exist somehow in spite of the ephemeral nature of my finances
being unable to attract outside attention for my jwm-art.net work
not even trying
being unable to feel i've accomplished anything at all
and feeling useless participating in issues of governance going nowhere
feeling useless in jwm-art.net and then feeling useless in general
thinking i've wasted XXXnine months ofXXX my life for an invisible
never having the means to attend conferences and seminars
and almost always presenting jwm-art.net from a distance
as if XXXthe virtuality ofXXX jwm-art.net conjured up XXXthe virtualXXX
my genius
XXXand as if the virtual always begets the virtualXXX
finding it impossible to really suture between jwm-art.net performance
and XXXliveXXX my performance in life
and never having access to adequate technology to explore XXXthis areaXXX
the network
never meeting the sysadmins who own and control the hosting machines
and never understanding the structure of the XXXjwm-art.net data-baseXXX
system calls
never working sufficiently well with XXXthe gaz stand-alone
applicationXXX the command line
and never really exploring XXXthe open-sim applicationXXX other peoples
feeling i haven't enough knowledge to contribute to XXXopen-simXXX other
peoples code
feeling lost there and finding no one really to collaborate with
who might extend my work or our work into XXXopen-simXXX the FLOSS
community and develop it in
depth XXXin jwm-art.net itselfXXX
feeling clumsy with my XXXavatars' dance movesXXX code expressions and
not understanding
how to develop even the simplest XXXavatar facial expressionsXXX DSP
filter and
XXXbody attitudesXXX real time audio
finding python, ruby, lisp and academic-art-language  basically opaque
feeling like an idiot confronted with the simplest of theories
XXXthat i can only change in my dreams no matter how many ideas i haveXXX
above all realizing the foolishness and isolation of all of this
and being cut off from galleries and exhibitions, real-world
installations portals between jwm-art.net and the rest of the world
so that whatever i do remains in the tiniest corner of the world
no matter XXXfirst or second or third or fourth lifeXXX what
XXXwhile i wait to die or jwm-art.net to die or both of us or my workXXX
XXXto be corrupted elsewhere as data-bases and files disappearXXX
since another failure is my inability to get money XXXhard-copyXXX for
about anything i've tried to do in the past ten years or so
whether to get a permanent job XXXbooks published by academic pressesXXX
XXXthat might actually find their way onto book-store shelvesXXX
XXXor to get reasonable off-line video disks and printed graphicsXXX
or for that matter to get a XXXteachingXXX job that might put food on the
XXXor health care for both azure and myself or building repair or
to end the XXXhysteriaXXX which seeps into my life when i think of these
when i think of all my failures in jwm-art.net
and the failures engendered in the real world by virtue of jwm-art.net
or the failures engendered whether or not jwm-art.net played any role
XXXin them and i tend to exaggerate how much jwm-art.net is responsible
my failures which are my own
my tawdry XXXinstallationXXX website is such a jumble it's called by its
domain nameXXXthe accidentXXX
after i called it jwm-art.net XXXthe accidental artist but the
installation itselfXXX
the art seems an accident and in any case jwm-art.net won't last forever
and i'll last a lot longer perhaps XXXand there never will be
failing by authoring XXXwritingXXX too much and hoping at least one
person has read
the works XXXtextsXXX or what i call the imaginary audience
XXXpoetics and nettimeXXX they keep my work in a corner XXXoff their
in jwm-art.net i might have used too much bandwidth XXXserver timeXXX i
who knows XXXbut my health is poor and i'm closer to anita berberXXX
XXXthan poor b.b. closer to valeska gert than mary wigmanXXX
XXXi failed to bring them into jwm-art.netXXX
they all ran away from jwm-art.net
they were smart and smarter than me
they do things in memory with pointers and attributes i don't understand
XXXi've been spending too much time in memory and my data is in memoryXXX
my data XXXmiscarriedXXX has fence-post errors
i'm lost in my data and my data has fence-post errors XXXmiscarriedXXX
XXXhttp://www.alansondheim.org/ scribble pngsXXX
feeling like i'm ignored just because i don't always get responses to
my work
expecting people to have the time for my work when i don't have the time
for theirs because i'm too busy making my own
always doing my own thing and never contributing to anything else
posting replies to myself because i forgot to provide information or i
got it wrong the first time
making a release of software five minutes after the previous release
because i forgot something
never really knowing hwat i'm tryingb to sat
my failures in jwm-art.net_LAST

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