[NetBehaviour] "smile though your heart is aching"

Wolfgang wolfgangspaeth at vodafone.de
Sun Mar 22 01:55:07 CET 2009

we´rgetting older
worldi runing faster
nothing esle changed

> "smile though your heart is aching"
> i realized i was beginning to die when my foot began hurting two years
> ago; i was teaching at brown university, walking across the pembroke
> campus, and suddenly was hobbling. second event, when we put our cat
> boojum down; she had been my companion for eighteen years, and azure's for
> almost ten. and third, when i noticed a flash in my left eye and went to
> the opthamologists, knowing something had gone wrong. nothing ends up
> reversible but early on, the body pains would have been part of a phenom-
> enology of healing, not disablement. now i'm on the slope towards death
> and want it like this, suicide when i can't work any longer, when i become
> a burden to azure. i live in the fear of death, watching my body drop out
> from under me. buddhism doesn't help in the long run and even lyotard had
> a fearful cry from the heart towards the very end. the world turns dark
> and second life is no cure, just diversion from failing senses, failing
> health. i'm preternaturally scared to the point of disability at times and
> i wonder why everyone isn't like this, how everyone else manages to get up
> in the morning and life seemingly goes on productively. i can't live in
> the morning; i live in fear of the curtain falling rapidly and violently,
> the curtain falling on nothing, nothing whatsoever. i woke up in tears
> again; http://www.alansondheim.org/ flubb pngs and find i can barely work
> through these.
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