[NetBehaviour] my failures XXXin jwm-art.netXXX on the internet

clemos cl3mos at gmail.com
Mon Mar 23 18:04:51 CET 2009

I understand you sooo well.
Nothing much to say: keep up the good work!

On Fri, Mar 20, 2009 at 2:48 PM, james morris <james at jwm-art.net> wrote:
> my failures XXXin jwm-art.netXXX on the internet
> {
> spending too much time in jwm-art.net
> designing too many things in jwm-art.net
> in a single website in jwm-art.net
> XXXchanging too many things too oftenXXX
> writing all my own code
> re-inventing the wheel
> documenting with too many photographs XXXand videosXXX
> documenting code with not enough comments or too many
> wrong comments
> with too many texts and audio files
> hiding out too much of the time in my XXXinstallationXXX website
> spending too much time believing the lists i'm a member of are all
> i need to bring what is of interest on the internet to me
> writing over and over again about myself, jwm-art.net
> forgetting jwm-art.net is a tiny little world, and i've no significance
> forgetting there's more to life than linux
> not applying for grants and exhibitions or jobs in the real world
> not looking after myself in jwm-art.net
> thinking too much inside the box
> hoping uselessly for grants and commissions and philanthropists to
> support my habit
> but never applying for any
> kludging and never learning XXXscripting languageXXX mysql
> XXXnever entering jwm-art.net in my dreamsXXX
> pretending that jwm-art.net has some XXXontologicalXXX status
> XXXthinking i'll never die in jwm-art.netXXX
> never finding real XXXpublicationXXX recognition for the jwm-art.net
> XXXtextsXXX work
> never getting past XXXmoderatedXXX email lists or the occasional forum
> with my jwm-art.net texts
> being a useless speller and having limited vocabularly
> never really getting audience or XXXreadershipXXX a user base
> never really having extended dialog about anything XXXthe virtualXXX
> misrecognizing my XXXjwm-art.net workXXX software as having
> XXXphilosophicalXXX artistic implications
> thinking my jwm-art.net work somehow extends the nature my mind XXXthe
> virtualXXX
> feeling too hopeless XXXand too close to death even when inXXX about
> myself XXXjwm-art.netXXX
> and never releasing jwm-art.net into XXXfirstXXX life and never calming
> down
> hoping uselessly that my jwm-art.net work will exist
> at least for a short time after i have no bank balance XXXno longer work
> in jwm-art.netXXX
> and hoping uselessly as well that my work will continue
> and exist somehow in spite of the ephemeral nature of my finances
> XXXdata-basesXXX
> being unable to attract outside attention for my jwm-art.net work
> not even trying
> being unable to feel i've accomplished anything at all
> and feeling useless participating in issues of governance going nowhere
> feeling useless in jwm-art.net and then feeling useless in general
> thinking i've wasted XXXnine months ofXXX my life for an invisible
> project
> never having the means to attend conferences and seminars
> and almost always presenting jwm-art.net from a distance
> as if XXXthe virtuality ofXXX jwm-art.net conjured up XXXthe virtualXXX
> my genius
> XXXand as if the virtual always begets the virtualXXX
> finding it impossible to really suture between jwm-art.net performance
> and XXXliveXXX my performance in life
> and never having access to adequate technology to explore XXXthis areaXXX
> the network
> never meeting the sysadmins who own and control the hosting machines
> XXXjwm-art.netXXX
> and never understanding the structure of the XXXjwm-art.net data-baseXXX
> system calls
> never working sufficiently well with XXXthe gaz stand-alone
> applicationXXX the command line
> and never really exploring XXXthe open-sim applicationXXX other peoples
> code
> feeling i haven't enough knowledge to contribute to XXXopen-simXXX other
> peoples code
> feeling lost there and finding no one really to collaborate with
> who might extend my work or our work into XXXopen-simXXX the FLOSS
> community and develop it in
> depth XXXin jwm-art.net itselfXXX
> feeling clumsy with my XXXavatars' dance movesXXX code expressions and
> not understanding
> how to develop even the simplest XXXavatar facial expressionsXXX DSP
> filter and
> XXXbody attitudesXXX real time audio
> finding python, ruby, lisp and academic-art-language  basically opaque
> feeling like an idiot confronted with the simplest of theories
> XXXthat i can only change in my dreams no matter how many ideas i haveXXX
> above all realizing the foolishness and isolation of all of this
> and being cut off from galleries and exhibitions, real-world
> installations portals between jwm-art.net and the rest of the world
> so that whatever i do remains in the tiniest corner of the world
> no matter XXXfirst or second or third or fourth lifeXXX what
> XXXwhile i wait to die or jwm-art.net to die or both of us or my workXXX
> XXXto be corrupted elsewhere as data-bases and files disappearXXX
> since another failure is my inability to get money XXXhard-copyXXX for
> just
> about anything i've tried to do in the past ten years or so
> whether to get a permanent job XXXbooks published by academic pressesXXX
> XXXthat might actually find their way onto book-store shelvesXXX
> XXXor to get reasonable off-line video disks and printed graphicsXXX
> or for that matter to get a XXXteachingXXX job that might put food on the
> table
> XXXor health care for both azure and myself or building repair or
> somethingXXX
> to end the XXXhysteriaXXX which seeps into my life when i think of these
> things
> when i think of all my failures in jwm-art.net
> and the failures engendered in the real world by virtue of jwm-art.net
> or the failures engendered whether or not jwm-art.net played any role
> XXXin them and i tend to exaggerate how much jwm-art.net is responsible
> forXXX
> my failures which are my own
> my tawdry XXXinstallationXXX website is such a jumble it's called by its
> domain nameXXXthe accidentXXX
> after i called it jwm-art.net XXXthe accidental artist but the
> installation itselfXXX
> the art seems an accident and in any case jwm-art.net won't last forever
> and i'll last a lot longer perhaps XXXand there never will be
> afterwardsXXX
> failing by authoring XXXwritingXXX too much and hoping at least one
> person has read
> the works XXXtextsXXX or what i call the imaginary audience
> XXXpoetics and nettimeXXX they keep my work in a corner XXXoff their
> listsXXX
> in jwm-art.net i might have used too much bandwidth XXXserver timeXXX i
> wish
> who knows XXXbut my health is poor and i'm closer to anita berberXXX
> XXXthan poor b.b. closer to valeska gert than mary wigmanXXX
> XXXi failed to bring them into jwm-art.netXXX
> they all ran away from jwm-art.net
> they were smart and smarter than me
> they do things in memory with pointers and attributes i don't understand
> XXXi've been spending too much time in memory and my data is in memoryXXX
> my data XXXmiscarriedXXX has fence-post errors
> i'm lost in my data and my data has fence-post errors XXXmiscarriedXXX
> XXXhttp://www.alansondheim.org/ scribble pngsXXX
> feeling like i'm ignored just because i don't always get responses to
> my work
> expecting people to have the time for my work when i don't have the time
> for theirs because i'm too busy making my own
> always doing my own thing and never contributing to anything else
> posting replies to myself because i forgot to provide information or i
> got it wrong the first time
> making a release of software five minutes after the previous release
> because i forgot something
> never really knowing hwat i'm tryingb to sat
> my failures in jwm-art.net_LAST
> };
> http://www.jwm-art.net/art/image/failures.png
> http://www.jwm-art.net/art/image/failures2.png
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