[NetBehaviour] triggers

[KH Jeron]

http://socialfabric.jeron.org/works/2008/09/03/borderline/

Alan Sondheim schrieb:
> triggers -
>
> thoughts of death and annihilation
> -- when i can't get dying out of my mind
> -- when i find annihilation intolerable
> -- when i'm living through my death and annihilation
>
> thoughts of events immediately after my death
> -- when i think of azure seeing, something, anything, immediately
> after my death
> -- when i think of my loved belongings, dispersed, on unknown journeys
> -- when i think of the matrix of my life dissolving
> -- when i can't express this to others
>
> remembering my father's behavior towards me
> -- when i think of growing up in a horizon of tempers and screaming
> -- when my mother remained aloof or blind to this
> -- when i remember crumbling under psychic violence
> -- when i can't express this to others
> -- when i can't deal with authority, including my own
> -- when i deconstruct authority to the point of abjection and
> annihilation
>
> my sister's behavior, violence, and power of attorney
> -- when i she doesn't give me even a modicum of respect
> -- when i see her collusion with my father and his blind spot with her
> -- when i see my father rejecting his sons
> -- when i think about any of this
>
> my sexuality uneasily escaping fantasy, ghosting everywhere
> -- when the fantasy mixes art and the real world
> -- when i my work makes others uncomfortable
> -- when i can't deal with my own sexuality
> -- when i feel i'm distorted, ugly, ogre, meagre
> -- when i express myself poorly to others
>
> fear of becoming homeless
> -- when i find our financial situation one of constant loss and
> struggle
> -- when i try to come to grips with stress and find this inconceivable
> -- when i find peacefulness inconceivable
> -- when i worry that everything i've accomplished will disappear
> -- when i fear i have accomplished nothing
>
> fear of losing azure
> -- when i realize she has to be saint and martyr to survive with me
> -- when i inadvertently hurt or or withdraw because of triggering
> -- when she gets exhausted over the same old thing of mine
> -- when i feel i never pay her enough attention
> -- when i realize how much i love her and it's frightening, thinking
> she has saved me
> -- when i worry about salvation from anywhere
> -- when i feel hopeless
>
> fear of triggering
> -- when i feel the thoughts coming, and find no way to stop them
> -- when my life seems almost catatonic and surviving under onslaught
> -- when everything feels neutralized and joyless
> -- when i recognize the history of the planet as one of continuous
> slaughter
> -- when i know that triggering only leads to the abyss
> -- when i sense the chemicals taking over, the intrinsic processes
> of my body out of control
> -- when i sense that being out of control is a permanent condition
> -- when i feel my mind turns against me in every direction
> -- when i feel the presence of authority, for this always diminishes me
> -- when i live a life of absolute and permanent regret
> -- when my joy carries the seeds of its own destruction on the surface
>
> for i know that triggering
> -- is an irreversible descent, carrying my world with it
> -- transforms my world into the world, so there is no escape
> -- turns suicide neither into a question nor an answer, but defuge and
> useless
> -- when alternatives decay
> -- when i can't speak but bluster, when i lose my breath, when i sweat
> profusely, when i cry uncontrollably, when i become dizzy and stumble
> about, when fear cries from every pore, when 'anything' sets me off,
> sets me shaking, when the very thought of triggers bring legions of
> them,
> -- and when i, in despair, remain on the surface of spews, seethings,
> abjections, untoward and extreme sexualities, pushing art and life to
> the limit, returning with nothing but fear, shame, exhaustion -
> returning with nothing usable, nothing at all
>
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