[NetBehaviour] getting up

Alan Sondheim sondheim at panix.com
Mon Sep 17 02:40:09 CEST 2012

getting up

http://lounge.espdisk.com/archives/917 (easiest for listening)
http://espdisk.com/alansondheim/gu0.mp3 (easiest for downloading)
http://espdisk.com/alansondheim/gu1.mp3 "
http://espdisk.com/alansondheim/gu2.mp3 "
http://espdisk.com/alansondheim/gu3.mp3 "
http://espdisk.com/alansondheim/gu4.mp3 "
http://espdisk.com/alansondheim/gu5.mp3 "
http://espdisk.com/alansondheim/gu6.mp3 "
http://espdisk.com/alansondheim/gu7.mp3 "

when i'm down i want to get up. i'm literally haunted.
i can't deal with the world and flatten out. i want to
die in that flatness. this time i took clonazepan. the
effect was flatter. i could live in that flatness. i
wanted to record in that flatness. i recorded a series
of getting up, some of which are horrible, and some of
which aren't, and i'm in clonazepan and can't tell the
difference and i'm afraid there may be no difference.
what there is, this flatness, tends towards horrifying
difficulties but you can decide for yourself. i want
to get up. so i recorded guitar, ukulele, nepalese
sarangi, sarangi, sarinda, and violin. i found bowing
difficult. i found ukulele easy and guitar difficult
because there were so many things to do on guitar. on
nepalese sarangi i went up into wails where octaves
and other sounds might have been. sarinda is always
hard and everywhere and still carries the dead. violin
is just that, nervous and jerky and i don't know what
i'm doing and on sarangi, which is not the same as
nepalese sarangi, i no longer know what i'm doing. i
used the synthetic bow which made everything difficult
and i'm not sure why i didn't change to traditional
which slides less but the flatness took control. i
think sometimes bad music is more interesting than
good music and i'm not sure any of this music is at
all interesting but it is interesting with medication
which is a problem because i don't usually play in
these conditions. the medication flattens a sense of
loss in my life, my harboring of death, the death of
my favor and split up of the rest of the family, and
with my daughter there is real hatred which emerges
from the flatness into music like strange attractors
back from the small town i was raised in. by 'back,'
they've arrived and i had to flatten them, i had to
flatten everything and then i had to get up and the
medicine flattened and then i was enabled to get up,
but then the sounds are different and perhaps i wasn't
able to do that at all, the gu* of the titles standing
in for getting up, but also the first letters of one
of the more difficult tantras, all of them together as
some sort of bad medicine which is what i think is
within me, from birth, and then with this flattening,
almost corrosive, holding me down but giving me the
slight space to play, even though the manner of play
might leave much to be desired, such as clarity which
only comes when peaks are permitted in one's life.

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