[NetBehaviour] confession

[Alan Sondheim]

confession

i realize my music is barking up the wrong tree.
my music is absolutely useless and misshapen.
it's not zen, it's just clumsy.
i'm lucky if i can hit intervals at all.
consider this a wordy piece of silence.
it's an admission of guilt in the production of bad music.
it's an admission of tricks and subterfuge with instruments.
i dream of fires of wood and steel strings singing their
  final songs.
i dream of boats of woods and steel struts carrying
  refugees away from me.
i hear differences where none are and nothing where
  differences are.
i hear innovation where there's nothing but tired
  repetition and i hear melodic repetition where i'm
  running out of ideas.
i jump from instrument to instrument as i exhaust my
  limited resources on each one.
i jump from speed to speed to impress and disguise the
  fact i can't hold a note for any length of time.
my instruments are beautiful and deserve better.
you are accurate in your assessment that there's too much
  of my music around, too much craziness, too much
  exhaustion.
i pretend to focus on technique and exercises when all
  i'm doing is trying something out with an impressive
  surface devoid of any depth.
my music isn't barking up the wrong tree, it's not even
  music, it's not even noise, or it's noise intended to
  be music.
the only delight it brings is the usual shortness of the
  pieces but sometimes i err further and produce what
  appears on the surface like a meditation but in fact is
  just a lengthy poverty of ideas.
my fingers move by themselves in idiotic patterns.
my mind stumbles in idiotic pursuit.
this confession should suffice, please control your
  anger.
there's no reason to listen to anything more.