[NetBehaviour] Failure

Antye Greie-Ripatti agf at poemproducer.com
Sat Nov 2 18:48:29 CET 2013


On Nov 2, 2013, at 6:17 AM, Alan Sondheim <sondheim at panix.com> wrote:

> Failure
> I'm not writing this for sympathy; I've come to a realization
> about my music, that I've failed at it for the second time - the
> first was when I played music in the 60s (although the records
> were re-released several times). What I wrote on Facebook -
> thinking of quitting music, the cds we're doing are having a
> hard time coming out, there's almost no audience for the stuff
> i'm putting online, less in providence, i sit here and practice
> by myself for no reason at all. we're playing in brooklyn in a
> couple of weeks and the logistics are costing a fortune and are
> otherwise horrendous. and there's too many instruments, too much
> fakery on my part. i could sell or trade everything off except
> for the shakuhachi and guitar. providence is a good place to
> think about this stuff; my music feels like suicide...
> The specifics - having to pay for one of my releases, and the
> other dragged down by the recording company director; having
> very small audiences when we play; having to pay far too much
> for an upcoming gig in NY - my fault since I play numerous
> instruments and they're hard to move around; having to practice
> by myself constantly without really having a reason to do it;
> feeling isolated and hiding behind rare instruments; feeling a
> bit of a fake when it comes to musical knowledge and ability to
> hear intervals correctly; feeling more of a fake when I play
> fretless instruments, always desperately looking for consonance;
> having to repair and research instruments; feeling like a freak
> just like I did originally in Providence when I was at Brown
> University; feeling exhausted having to push myself constantly,
> by myself, over and over again; and other biographical issues
> not related to music - feeling forced to leave New York,
> stressed and depressed from a thirteen-month unsuccessful co-op
> search in the city; coming down with various illnesses; kicking
> anxiety drugs; missing the energy of the city; dealing with way
> over 90-decibel noise on occasion from the bar next door; just
> growing old and not wanting to start over yet again. So yes,
> this is whining, I've invested so much in these instruments and
> the music I can do, on occasion, on them, but there's no deep
> interest in this stuff, I may be between Fahey and Bailey on a
> good day but physical improvisation doesn't matter in a digital
> era when anyone can dial in anything. I've been interested in
> 'coming up' against or through an instrument, but this doesn't
> carry over to people actually listening to the results.
> I have to make a decision here in the next few weeks, the gig
> with ESP-Disk in NY won't change anything, I'll probably sound
> exhausted. And the money just keeps leaking out; I feel I'm on
> drugs, that it's a question of addiction, that I can't afford
> financially or physically any longer...
> This is why my music and writing have been screwed up, abrupt,
> neuroticized more than usual, if that's possible, this hatred of
> slow suicide, of playing at a hobby I've never been good at.
> I'm not asking for comments btw, I've got to figure this out
> myself, I can always hide out in a virtual world or clever text
> (which this isn't)...
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