[NetBehaviour] assessment of a failed career

Alan Sondheim sondheim at panix.com
Sun Apr 17 15:33:21 CEST 2016

assessment of a failed career

( for Azure who is all goodness and keeps me going )


i can't forgive myself for failure after failure.
my work is too complicated and abject for a coherent series.
i'm incapable of creating a solid and unique style.
my only coherency is incoherency.
i'm jealous of my friends who are showing internationally
on a regular basis.
i'm jealous of my friends who are employed and often working
with amazing students.
i'm attracted to death and i'm frightened by death.
i, i, i, i, i,
i, i, i, i, i,
i keep pushing my personal boundaries and keep thinking
i'm making a real contribution to thought itself.
i'm too filled with grandeur and despair.
i've never been able to have a consistent and productive life.
i've failed myself and failed others.
i have no idea how to behave and have to constantly think
of what i'm doing.
i'm far too frightened of the world far too pessimistic.
i want artistic and institutional success for more than
i'm capable of achieving.
i'm, i'm, i'm, i'm i'm,
i'm, i'm, i'm, i'm i'm,
i'm far too overwhelmed by fear, anxiety, and depression.
i'm like a child who can't get its way and use the work
i do as a bad excuse.
i'm afraid of everyone else and thirst for approval.
i give talks that are too long and too scattered.
i can't sleep properly and worry about being irrelevant.
i'm frightened of ageism and have no defenses against it.
i don't want to continue if i start to develop dementia.
i'm far too career-driven given the failure of my career.
i think everyone else is doing better than me.
i'm far too self-absorbed and too spoiled.
i'm far too ambitious and believe in the magical power
of words.

i, i, i, i, i,
i, i, i, i, i,
i, i, i, i, i,
i, i, i, i, i,

+// i promise not more of this :-) //*

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