[NetBehaviour] The Blue Tape Kathy Acker Dictation Buffer

[Alan Sondheim]

The Blue Tape Kathy Acker Dictation Buffer

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< dictation into buffer > Let's say this is an experiment. Let's
say I'm going to talk about Kathy Acker. Let's say that this
began somewhere around a night in 1974. I don't remember exactly
when. I do remember that my second wife and I were close to
splitting and the night she left Kathy arrived. It was my first
night for a long time without my second wife. It was the first
night that Kathy came and that we were together. The amount of
time we were together was very short. It was almost
non-existent. We decided to make a video tape together. My
sexuality was out of control. I can honestly say I was at the
end of my ropes. I didn't know what I was doing. And was
exhausted. I was so tired I couldn't focus right. Kathy and I
had talked about making a video taped together and she had
mentioned that she had done some sexual live sexual acts before
and that this for me then was a continuation of that or a
freeing up for myself of myself. I've been repressed almost my
entire life. I tried to make sexual work before but never showed
it and felt it was pretty much a failure. So this was a chance
to do something else at the same time I felt that I was
inextricably tied to Kathy. I did think I was in love with her.
I did think something new was on the horizon. When we actually
made the tape I found myself reciting some of the theory that
I've been working on. I've always been suspicious of academics.
I've always denigrated my own theoretical work and this was a
situation in which I tried to talk theoretically while at the
same time I came as a result of Kathy. This reflected badly on
myself internally and I felt ashamed and for me a lot of the
tape had to do with feeling shame. It's why I brought up the
book Loves Body because it reflected the way I was feeling the
love his body was not in the room. My theoretical work was
deliberately in tatters. I've always tried to make my
theoretical work reflect the body in such a way that the body
undercuts it that personal experience undercuts it that
everything undercut said. That's where I thought that this would
be coming from. At the same time it was a struggle between
myself and Kathy. She had placed me in. For me that didn't work
and it frightens me. The whole father business frightened to me.
I wasn't able to deal with it properly and I felt that
everything that I had wanted out of the relationship was in the
state of collapse. I remember later someone else. At this point
when the tape was being made I thought she was crazy but I was
fascinated. I knew she was going to be an important writer. I
didn't know whether she would be famous or not but I knew she
was laying everything on the line. let's say this is an
experiment let's say I'm going to talk about Kathy Acker let's
say that this again somewhere around a nice and 1974 I don't
remember exactly when I do remember that my second wife and I
were close to splitting and the night she left Kathy arrived it
was my first night for a long time without my second wife it was
the first night that Kathy came and that we were together the
amount of time we were together it was very short it was almost
non-existent we decided to make a video tape together my
sexuality was out of control I can honestly say I was at the end
of my rope I didn't know what I was doing and was exhausted I
was so tired I couldn't focus right Kathy and I had talked about
making a video tape together and she had mentioned that she had
done some sexual live sexual acts before and that this for me
then was a continuation of that or a pre-nup for myself of
myself I've been repressed almost my entire life I tried to make
sexual work before but never showed it and felt it was pretty
much a failure so this is a chance to do something else at the
same time I felt that I was in next recovery tied to Kathy I did
think I was in love with her I did think something new was on
the horizon when we actually made the tape I found myself
reciting some of the theory that I've been working on I've
always been suspicious of academics I've always done a grated my
own theoretical work and this was a situation in which I tried
to talk theoretically while at the same time I came as a result
of Kathy this reflected badly on myself internally and I felt
ashamed and for me a lot of the tape had to do with feeling
shame it's why I brought up the book loves body because it
reflected the way I was feeling that loves body was not in the
room my theoretical work with deliberately in chatters I've
always tried to make my theoretical work reflect the body in
such a way that the body undercut it that personal experience
undercut said that everything undercut said that's where I
thought that this would be coming from at the same time it was a
struggle between myself and Kathy I was desperate for her love
she had placed me and the role of being a father even though we
were close to the same age for me that didn't work and its
writing to me the whole father business frightened to me I
wasn't able to deal with it properly and I felt that everything
that I had wanted out of the relationship was in the state of
collapse I remember later someone as Casio you knew Allen's on
time and she said oh he's crazy at this point when the tape was
being made I thought she was crazy but I was fascinated and was
drawn to that I knew she was going to be an important writer I
didn't know whether she would be famous or not but I knew she
was lying everything on the line she was in Way abusive towards
me I found out afterwards that she had given me pin worm which
is a small warm that is cured Buy Jensen violin its caused by
its caused by sexual intercourse or in relationship to sexual
intercourse she have may have given me other things I just don't
know when I called her on the phone and asked her about it she
said to me when you sleeps with hippies you text your chances
that's all I can tell you about that aspect of things there were
always power issues going on between us. The power issues were
what I thought that the tape was dealing with to the extent it
was dealing with both of us. Kathy was no much no more in
control of the tape than I was. The tape was living or being
produced on the edges of our Consciousness. At one point I
remember she was outside the door when she couldn't get in.
Emily and I were out getting some lunch. She had wanted to be
alone and left also. But when she came back she found the door
locked. She began crying or we found her crying rather and she
was talking about suicide. We let her back in of course and then
we proceeded with the tape. I felt at the same time that I was
also turning towards suicide. I've lived with suicide All My
Life as a possibility although I don't think I would ever really
do it. But it's always been there as an option. It came to light
strongly during the making of the tape. There are other things
that went into this my own shame at my body my own shame at my
inability to please anyone sexually my own shame at my inability
to create work that I felt was on the equal to that of my
friends. And it was a shame that was pushing me through the
making of the tape. More than love more than being distraught at
the dissolution of my second marriage it was my shame in
relationship to my body to what I was capable of doing. That may
be about all that I can tell you. I'm not really sure what else
there is to say at the moment. I remember the room where the
tape was made but I'm not sure that the memory had anything to
do with the tape being made I had anything to do with the room
rather but more to do with the taping made. Ironically the room
had been rented to my second wife and myself by her Lover's
brother. So it was all tangled up into that as well. After Kathy
left we had some contact and I remember we talked at night on
the phone late at night. We showed it around and every time we
showed it I remember trembling and being frightened. We
generally showed it together. We only showed it a few times and
the reaction was always determined by what the audience did
first. If someone laughed everyone laugh through the tape. If
someone cried everyone cries through the tape. I found myself
that I couldn't watch it I've never been able to watch the tape
since all the way through. So what I would do would be to leave
the room particularly when I was coming. I didn't want to hear
those sounds. Not when no sounds represented for me the
dissolution of a marriage and the dissolution of things I
believed in. The disc description for me. The description for me
of the theory was a kind of self-mockery that was completely out
of control so all the work had to deal with sexuality it also
had to deal with that. they were always power issues going on
between us the power issues were what I thought that the total
tape was dealing with two the extent of was dealing with both of
us can see was no much no more in control of the tapes and I was
the tape was living or being produced on the edges of our
consciousness at one point I remember she was outside the door
when she couldn't get in Emily and I were out getting some lunch
she had wanted to be alone and left also but twenty came back
she found the door lock key began crying or we found her crying
rather and she was talking about suicide we let him back in of
course and then we proceed with the tape I felt it the same time
that I was also turning towards suicide I've lived with suicide
all my life as a possibility all the I don't think I would ever
really do it put its always been there isn't option it came to
light strongly doing the making of the tape there other things
that when into this my own shame in my body my own shame that
might inability to please anyone sexually my own shame at my
inability to create work that I felt was on the equal to that of
my friends and it was the shame that was pushing me through the
making of the tape more than love more than being destroyed at
the dissolution of my second marriage it was my shame in
relationship to my body to what I was capable of doing that
maybe about all that I can tell you I'm not really sure what
else are is to say it the moment I remember the room where the
tape was made but I'm not sure that the memory had anything to
do with the tape being made a head anything to do with the room
reserved but more had to do with the taping made ironically the
room have been rented to my second wife and myself by her lovers
brother so it was all tangled up in 2 that as well after Kathy
left we had some < break in continuity, some buffer repetition >
contact and I remember we talked tonight on the phone late at
night we showed it around and everytime we showed it I remember
trembling and being frightened we generally showed it together
we only showed it a few times and reaction was always determine
by what the audience did first if someone left everyone left to
the tape if someone cried everyone crisis a tape I found myself
that I couldn't watch it I have never been able to watch the
tape since all the way through so what I would do would be to
leave the room particularly when I was coming I didn't want to
hear it though sounds not window sounds. When I talk like this
into the machine the machine tries to keep up and can't. Because
it can't keep up what happens is things enter into the buffer.
In the buffer the distortions begin. What you're hearing is a
mixture of myself in the machine. I'm trying to make sense make
sense of that. Of my life of that period of my life. It's
difficult now I think I still carry all of that confusion and
anxiety within me. Kathy was not the Catalyst for that it goes
all the way back to my early childhood And a sense of abuse
possibly at the hands of someone. But that's another story. at
this point Kathy's tape seems to be everywhere. Even before it
was released I found 60 copies that have been pirated online.
Kathy and I originally agreed that we would only show the tape
if both of us agreed to it. I didn't want to show it again. But
then when I found so many copies and found schools were already
showing it I had to take control of it as best I could. I charge
a nominal fee. I feel that this is necessary to keep control of
it. The economics of all of this and the fact that I'm seeing as
an adjunct of Kathy Acker both of this both of these things are
painful. there's no way out of it. My work will remain largely
unknown and Kathy's work and stature grows with every screening
with every exhibition with every publication. I don't want to be
tied to it. I don't want to be tied to her and I want people to
see my own work which at best slightly related to hers. In its
own light and not through her. Every time a curator comes along
to talk to me about the about the work we did together I've
tried to bring up my own work but my own work is of no interest
to anyone who is interested in Kathy Acker. The result is that
I'm left isolated and again self-hating so this then becomes a
way of trying to deal with that state. At least I have at least
I have the ability to talk Into this machine which again is a
way of creating something out of a stage of wreckage. I will
stop now as the buffer is almost completely filled filled And
the dictation has to come to a halt.