[NetBehaviour] @daily_life

[Alan Sondheim]

@daily_life

http://www.alansondheim.org/dailylife.jpg

I had an appointment with the doctor today. I didn't want to go in.
It was too hot and they're worth_Storm schedule. Thunderstorm
scheduled. So I had a video call with him and I worked and talked
with him on the video call. I mentioned that I was in okay health.
I said that I had had a seizure 3 weeks ago. Can we really got
angry and said why didn't you go to the hospital. I said I didn't
feel I needed to go to the hospital. I called a relative would be
in a head nurse and I spoke to her. I explained what the symptoms
were. I followed all the advice I found online. I felt if I had
called an ambulance or something like that it would have been an
expense and it would have had a hard time getting out of the
hospital. When we were in New York our hospital was taken over by a
hostile real estate agency. It was sold and it became impossible
for the doctors to work there. The lights were turned off and the
elevators were stopped. The last time I went through they were
armed guards everywhere saying the hospital was dangerous. When I
went to speak to the doctor and the nurses I found that everyone
was crying. The hospital was soon taken over and all my records
World permanently lost. I hope no records from 24 years of being a
New York. My medical history is nonexistent. Later when I was
speaking to the doctor on the phone he said immediately that I
needed to have a lot of tests. Including an MRI. That I needed an
MRI. He also said that I should not drive for 6 months. I said I
knew a lot of people who had passed out like this and they're fine
and recovered immediately. He said that didn't matter. He said I
could have died. I said no I couldn't have I checked all my Vital
Signs afterwards. I checked my pulse my oxygen level my
temperature. I did not want to go out again into the heat to the
car. I did not want to call an ambulance. I felt fine. But after I
spoke to the doctor today I felt horrible. I feel that death is
probably just around the corner for no reason at all except for a
doctor yelling at me that I didn't do what he wanted me to do weeks
ago. The healthcare system is broken down here. I didn't want to go
to a hospital and wait. I didn't want to be with other patients.
There was no reason the whole seizure lasted one to two minutes. I
think about a minute. I was out for that much time but when I woke
up I was fine and immediately back to normal. But I did not want to
go out into the. I know I'm repeating myself here. This is what
happens in a pandemic like this. All I can do is hope that the
doctors will treat me the same way I would want to be treated and
will understand that there are other things in my life then running
back into a hospital. My experiences with hospitals has been
terrible. I've never been hospitalized except once when I had an
anxiety attack the doctors thought was probably a heart attack but
it wasn't. That was an overnight and they dismissed me. Was the
only time I've ever stayed in the hospital. I don't want to go
through that again. I feel physically healthy but my anxiety level
since this afternoon after talking to the things with the doctor I
had an appointment with the doctor today. I didn't want to go in.
It was too hot and they were Thunder score storm scheduled.
Thunderstorm scheduled. So I had a video call with him and I worked
and talk with him on the video call. I mentioned that I was in okay
health. I said that I had had a seizure 3 weeks ago. Give me to the
God I angry and said why didn't you go to the hospital. I said I
didn't feel I needed to go to the hospital. I called it will at UVA
would be in ahead and Earth and I spoke to her. Explain what the
symptoms work. I followed all the advice I found online. I felt if
I had called an ambulance or something like that it would have been
inexpensive would have had a hard time getting out of the hospital.
When we were in New York our hospital was taken over by a hostile
real estate agency. It was sold and it became impossible for the
doctors to work there. The lights were turned off and the elevators
or stop. The last time I went through they were armed guards
everywhere saying the hospital was dangerous. When I went to speak
to the doctor and the nurses I found that everyone was crying. The
hospital was soon taken over and all my records were permanently
lost. I hope no records from 24 years of being in New York. My
medical history is non-existent. Later when I was speaking to the
doctor on the phone he said immediately that I needed to have a lot
of tests. Including an MRI. That I needed an MRI. He also said that
I should not drive for 6 months. I said I knew a lot of people who
had passed out like this and they're fine and we covered
immediately. He said that didn't matter. He said I could have died.
I said no I couldn't have I checked all my Vital Signs afterwards.
I checked my poles my oxygen level my temperature. I did not want
to go out again into the heat to the car. I did not want to call an
ambulance. I felt fine. But after I spoke to the doctor today I
felt horrible. I feel that death is probably just around the corner
for no reason at all except for dr yelling at me that I didn't do
what he wanted me to do weeks ago. The healthcare system is broken
down here. I didn't want to go to a hospital and wait. I didn't
want to be with other patients. There was no reason the whole
seizure left and 1/2 2 minutes. I think about a minute. I was out
for that much time but when I woke up I was fine and mediately back
to normal. But I did not want to go out into the heat. I know I'm
repeating myself here. This is what happens in a pandemic like
this. All I can do is hope that the doctors will treat me the same
way I would want to be treated and will understand that their other
things in my life then running back into a hospital. My experiences
with hospitals has been terrible. I've never been hospitalized
except once when I had an anxiety attack at the doctors thought it
was probably a heart attack but it wasn't. That was an overnight
and they dismissed me. With the only time I've ever stayed in the
hospital. I don't want to go through that again. I feel physically
healthy but my anxiety level since this afternoon after talking to
the things with the doctor it's been sky High. It's going far
beyond which it should have gone. That this point I feel so that's
stopped. I don't even know where it's stopped I was talking about
my history with hospitals and doctors. I was talking about the fact
that the hospital that I went to had a hostile Takeover in New York
all the medical records were lost and the last time I was there
they were no lights on the elevators didn't work the doctors and
nurses were crying and there were armed people walking outside with
guns. That was a takeover of real estate not a protest. My records
are still gone. So there I am and I don't remember what I had been
saying I know that I was talking about the fact that a lot of
people are worse than I am than we are. That if I lose my ability
to work or to recognize things are to be with Azure and be healthy
for a Zur there's no reason to go on. I've known that all the way
along. I practice music. I read Theory. I Read Literature. I work
on text. I work on theory. I work on doing whatever I can. I tried
to take care of friends and I hope friends try to take care of me.
I want to participate in Greater communities than is possible now.
I know people are worse off than I am. The anxiety has become a
kind of disease that has invaded my body. Everywhere I turn it's
there. Everywhere I turned there's nowhere else to turn I look out
the window and I see a pin slice of sky above the buildings. I hope
I make it into the fall. I hope the tests come back negative. I
can't think straight and right now I've woken up after being asleep
for an hour and a half good night. This is what it's like. This is
what it's like all the time. I hope you're doing better and I
really don't expect an answer to this. It's just one person to
experience that feeds in to my depressive writing. I'm told I'm
negative I'm told I'm depressive I'm told I'm anxious I'm told I
only see the worst in things all of this. And I'm not told anything
now.


Now I am typing an ending to this and want to add the doctor I go
to is excellent, that he's looking out for my well-being, that he's
put up with well over a hundred emails back and forth about various
and that the care received through him and his clinic has been
better than anything anywhere else. But no one I know can think
straight about the/ir somatic phenomenology, their habitus, it's
beyond any recognizable haptic horizon. It festers and the
festering in the long run I'm certain is more than harmful. We end
up in a form of fuzzy repetition and markov chains that go nowhere,
appear to loop, do nothing of the sort. We end up typing or writing
trying to correct a situation we have been given without any reason
of our own. We end up at the will of our bodies of the state, the
somatic imminent and immanent and always already present, but not
quite recognizable. Not even the internal. Not even in or out of
there.

___