[NetBehaviour] Seizure

Alan Sondheim sondheim at panix.com
Mon Jun 29 01:07:19 CEST 2020


night, insomnia, cactus, day, seizure


(0 minutes ago) dictated

Last night things started. I couldn't sleep I went out into the
main room and I used a very old camera to take images of my body
in an awake state and the anxious state and I did this using
infrared. These are a few of the shots of the body. This morning
I woke up anxious again. Azure and I went out later and decided
to take a walk. The temperature was over 80 degrees and the
humidity was through the roof. We walked for about a mile or mile
and a half and then came back. By the time we came back I was
really dizzy. We went upstairs and I started getting cramps and
eventually sat down on the couch. I felt I couldn't breathe.
Things started swimming around. I wasn't able to focus. Then I
don't remember anything. Azure told me that I had had a seizure
and for a minute or two minutes I had passed out. She kept
asking, Can you hear me? Can you hear me? I woke up while she was
calling 9-1-1. I asked her to hang up; I didn't need a doctor or
an ambulance. I don't want to deal with the city. Besides, I was
coming to. She was distraught. For me, I had no recollection of
anything. She told me that my eyes were open and unfocused and
widely dilated. My eyes were rolling back in my head. She told me
that when I tried to speak that I was unable to speak but my lips
were moving oddly and my hands both hands seem to be trembling
with a kind of palsy. When I pulled out of it as I said I think I
could not remember anything at all. We didn't know what to do as
it was extremely upset. I had a blankness that's all I just had a
blankness. She then called a relative of mine who had been a
nurse and ask her about it and we realized that I had a seizure
related to being overcome by the heat that it was heat-stroke.
This is the first time this has ever happened to me. It was
frightening. Azure was crying. I was shaking and scared.
Eventually I lay down on the couch and had a lot of liquids and
I'm okay now. I lay back on the couch and used an ice pack as
well. But the thing is that a moment or it's a small interval of
my life completely disappeared. I never connected it with
covid-19.  It's not related. It's related to bad heat and
storminess and anxiety. It's related to depression. I also took
my temperature my oxygen level and my pulse.. Everything was
normal just as it should be. But this also indicates for us or at
least for me how difficult it is to even try to function to a
little bit normally in these times. I wasn't really able to go
outside the way I would have liked to. We walk through parking
lots. We avoid people. If we see somebody without a mask we cross
to the other side of the street. If we see people who look
problematic to us we cross to the other side of the street. We
did a lot of that we always do a lot of that. So it's not a
comfortable walk in green space it's a problematics walk in
concrete space spaces of concrete spaces that are basically a
wasteland basically wastelands. I worry about this because my
anxiety level is increasing exponentially. I envy people with
yards. I envy people who have access to trails or parks nearby.
We can get in the car and go somewhere but that's always a
difficulty. There's nothing right here right around us that gives
us a sense of comfort. I worry that my life will become
increasingly a set of blanks a set of forgetfulness a set of not
recognizing things I said of walking around not knowing what I'm
doing. This seems to be happening to everyone. But what I hadn't
seen before was this absolute blankness. This seizure. This time
of absence. Not forgetfulness. This time of nothing at all. Those
images from last night reflect this. Infrared to tell me nothing
about what my body was doing or thinking. Last night I sank into
the couch. Today I sank into the couch. It's an older couch now.
You sink into it you can't really sit upright in it. It becomes
one of the centers of the room. There's not much else to do
except stay indoors. I play music I go online I make art I write
text I like to think of myself as smart. I like to think of
myself as writing smart text. But in the middle of all of this it
just seems useless. And for all I know I or you reading this may
be passing out. In the middle of dictating this. In the middle of

-- dictated Sun Jun 28 18:35:52 EDT 2020 --

thunder out now


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