[NetBehaviour] Push

Alan Sondheim sondheim at panix.com
Thu Aug 3 07:00:29 CEST 2023



Push

https://youtu.be/xzLIgdqIDUE     video video video

Pushing myself to the limits, past the point of returning or
care in relation to my hands, fingers moving rapidly as
possible, pushing towards saying the unsaid, music that escapes
itself, that roils through itself and past itself, that churns -
I live for this churning, my hands have a life of their own,
_they punish me,_ _they control me,_ there's nothing left of me,
nothing but the fingering, listening almost from a distance or
from within the guitar itself, within the strings, within the
harmonics, within the _breathing_ of the instrument - I couldn't
do this for much longer than this, not giving up, never giving
up, making music, not withdrawing, _th' ugliness pushing itself
forward,_ something untoward coming through, just as I write
this, the Emergency Alert System comes on the television, the
game's interrupted - the EAS adds to the cacophony, this time
the test ends early, I'm returning to the typing, to this
typing, holding the thoughts, the fingers more or less flying -
when they stop doing that, I work harder at the speed, never let
up, never withdrawing, not machismo but towards limits, limits
which are mine, France just got another goal, the instrument
(Musima guitar) back on its stand, I think perhaps all of this
for me is a form of punishment, my life flashing before my eyes,
not literally, perhaps not at all, perhaps just a figure of
speech, just like that, like this, like that, typing this now,
no dictation, nothing like that at all, but this is the way for
me to practice - the music, the thinking of the music, the later
and later listening, worrying it, myself, as much as necessary,
it's always necessary, it's always something Gilda Radner said,
and I heard that, continue to hear that, listen to the music, it
never made it onto SNL and it never would, she wouldn't have
liked it if it had, I'm sure of that if nothing else except
maybe



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