Thank you so much for this, it's eloquent of course and I hope you write more, continue. I'm terrified of dying and terrified at the same time of hospitals, of disappearing to anyone but myself. Now I am going in for a difficult MRI and I'm frightened at that as well; it lasts for an hour and I've been asked to wear a mask in the machine. I have trouble breathing through these in any case and I'm worried about a panic attack; on Monday I'll call the center and see if something else can't be worked out - they take into account special cases. Like many of us, I think, I no longer 'recognize myself,' part of me wants to stop working, wants to stop everything, part of me soldiers on, so to speak, not a good metaphor. We've had to cancel our one tiny trip because of constant heat waves we're experiencing. I haven't been outside at all in days again; I'm worried about another seizure, heat stroke. Downtown is 'opening up' somewhat here in Providence and Azure and I and others are retreating. The skateboarders a block away have been out all through the lockdown and let up without masks. We sit and watch British shows, Jonathan Creek and now Inspector someone, Lynley?? as we've seen all of Silent Witness. I practice music but no idea to what end; I write and work on various pieces outside of community. Without a yard to sit outside, on occasion we do go downstairs at times - 4 in the past 5 months - for a bite to eat outside.

I'd like to hear how others deal with all these things; it brings for me the theme of my work 'home' - the somatic, somatic ghosting. Sometimes we see shadows of people across the street in the office buildings, but they seem largely deserted. Or we'll look out the window to the gravel space across the street, wondering who are those people. We've saved several spiders, a moth, a fly, and a wasp that were trapped in our place. Life goes on, toddering.

Reading - John Bercow's autobio; Scott Rettberg's Electronic Literature, anthologyies of Koans and early Buddhist literature, Elizabeth Smart's journals, histories of the early Net and Net culture, occasionally a Color Atlas of Physiology which relies on systems theory, Science Magazine, lots of articles. Listening again to SW radio.

And how are you doing? Any advice to any of us would be greatly appreciated. Everything in "Amerikkka" at this point appears greatly distorted...

Thank you so much again, Alan

On Fri, Jul 24, 2020 at 1:22 PM Edward Picot via NetBehaviour <> wrote:

I absolutely lived every moment of this. I was just thinking 'Every
single traffic light is against them' when you said it out loud - and
then Azure shot the last one before the freeway, turning from amber to
red as you reached it, which seemed really dangerous and reckless but
also like some kind of symbolic victory over the system. At first I
couldn't work out if you were on your way to the hospital or going home
afterwards, but your remark that this could be the start of a
cross-country trip had such a note of wishful thinking that I realized
you must be on your way. With that in mind the satnav instructions
started to sound more and more ominous, and when they announced that you
were arriving at your destination, and as you drove into the car park
you confessed that you were starting to get nervous, the tension was
palpable. After watching the video I found myself having to read Philip
Larkin's poem The Hospital: 'O world, /Your loves, your chances, are
beyond the stretch /Of any hand from here!' That terrible sense that the
hospital/medical world, the world of illness and mortality and fate, is
the underlying reality we spend our lives trying to ignore, and that
'normal' life is just a dream. Very appropriate to the Covid crisis.


On 23/07/2020 01:38, Alan Sondheim wrote:
> medical, vector
> on the way to the lab for a series of medical tests
> went to sleep around 3, up @ 7 to get there early.
> about a 12 minute drive.
> Azure drives, Dr. said I'm not to drive for 6 mo.
> we'll see.
> a kind of dawn breaking, then some other stuff
> rain when we came out, umbrellas.
> reading an old book, Sal Restivo, The social relations
> of Physics, Mysticism, and Mathematics.
> lots of David Bohm. Reidel, 1983. I was too nervous to
> read in the hallway. 3 separated chairs in the hallway,
> 3 in the office. everything makes me nervous. medical
> makes me nervous but don't think for a moment avoiding
> tests. that's all we have, tests.
> the camera does poorly in poor light. once out of the
> garage, everything adjusts properly. sound is 5.1.
> lost in car noise, 2013 Honda Fit. huddled inside now.
> again. no cloud formations are alike. my dreams aren't
> good. it's worse when i remember them. what's about
> this, it's normal. it's normal one way or another.
> take a bus. walk. get a ride. drive. keep on going
> across America. Keep crossing America, America!
> Keep on going, America!
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